Come on now…does everyone have to be nice…all the time? by Annette Warner

Through the past 27 years I have worked in so many capacities job wise, volunteer wise, and business management wise I can't help but consider myself a semi-expert on the matter of "dealing with difficult people", but NOTHING prepared me for the density of, forgive my bluntness, weeds that I have dealt within just under half of those 27 years while working damn near full-time as a hobby, wearing a multitude of hats in my kingdom of jokers in the local and regional music industry. I'm more likely to believe they are everywhere music exists. But even so, those weeds have become my extended family in a weird sort of way and I like them more than the other weeds than when I was, say….a house painter, leading a squad in the military, or managing 50 employees in the healthcare field and even more in the multi-contract food service business.

The bottom line …regardless of your career choices, good marketing and public relations is a talent, not a job …and one that can be used in any area of career interest. And having those skills is a necessity if you plan to succeed at what you want to do. I have to say, there's a lot of gray area intertwined when dealing with people period, so no one suggestion is a sole problem solver. But, the illusion that difficult people are all under one religion called "assholes" is a falsehood. Everyone has their own tolerance level for behaviors and we tend to consider anyone that irritates us a difficult person. The fact is they are difficult for you to handle or cope with. They may not be difficult for others to deal with. Believe it or not there is a benign twist to difficult people that separates them with a microscopic line from our own selves. We are, theoretically, those difficult people. All of us….not just some of us. Somebody out there doesn't like us and somebody out there thinks we are a "weed" in their garden of "posers". How do you recognize a difficult person? Well…they may manifest themselves in a number of ways, as you've probably experienced. You may find that these people …

• operate with a double agenda,
• struggle with anger, and accuse others who respond to them of the same thing
• have low self-esteem,
• try to manipulate,
• appear arrogant,
• can't tell the truth,
• need to control everything, or
• focus solely on themselves.

If there is any ring of truth at all in any of those statements regarding you…then follow my advice and stay away from this part of yourself and certainly don't do anything to help it thrive. Living that way, you stand a much better chance of winning the game of "dream- wrecker blockage" in general, as it applies to you.

I think it does us good to really examine why we think someone is difficult for us to deal with. Ask yourself these questions:

• Have I listened to others opinions or have I made informed decisions on my own?
• Have they personally proven time and time again I could not trust them, or get along with them?
• What is it that I don't like and are the things I don't like personal or professionally oriented?
• Have I attempted to heal the rift?
• Is associating with this person in any capacity necessary? If so…ask yourself what you can do to cope peacefully and have you tried?
• When all is said and done…how important are these people to your career or life in general? And can you do without them?

If the answer to any of those questions is "No", to be honest, you are the one being difficult. Ha! But, what we discover over time is that something about that person we are labeling difficult just makes our skin crawl and our personal instincts are directing us to be miserable when we are around them, or have to deal with them. Good News! You don't have to be around them or deal with them! If you are prepared to suffer any pitfalls of being estranged, then making the decision to simply erase them from your list of contacts should be easy..or at least easier said than done.

It would behoove anyone in the service industry of any kind, to do well by yourself and learn some basics about how to deal with weary communication or "backstabbers" if you will, that can make us wish we never got out of bed, but especially as a musician when you want people to hear you by artistic nature….I feel special care is needed with communication skills and although hypocrisy rears it's ugly head quite a bit, we must continually strive to beat the odds of positive communication even in the rudest of circumstances….

Before I drive home that point with any implied conviction…I want to say that there is a difference in saying what someone wants to hear and doing what they want to see. We all react to some people with utter distain and intolerance and can't help but tell it like it is at times, but there are ways you can find yourself on level ground walking away with more control over your situation.

• Speak your mind. Not your passions. Many times we allow the emotions of a situation to rule our actions and reactions. Take some time to think about what is right for you to do.
• Focus on what it is that you need to do, to get where you are going in life, and not so much the stumbling blocks in the way. Walk around unpleasant people, not over them. To walk over them asserts nothing but arrogance and defensiveness. Call it politics…but there is a decent way to do things without jerking carpet out from underneath your adversaries. Actually politics are completely opposite from this example…..but..what I mean is..not helping someone is not the same as hurting them. And you don't have to help anyone. Just don't hurt anyone purposefully. Self inflicted pain is the best punishment of all. Let them steer their own course. Good or bad. Now it's time for my favorite quote…"If you can't influence them positively, don't be influenced by them negatively."
• Recognize that difficult people will never go away in life. When you do that, you will have taken the first step in understanding that they have NO control over your future.
• Know and believe that only you can keep yourself from succeeding. Letting things fester can completely drive you insane. Just ask me :)
• Understand that it is necessary in public as a professional, to remain cordial if you cannot completely avoid situations that put you face to face with someone that is unpleasant to your life. Stick to your agenda, not your mood.
• Attempt to heal the rift and on common ground, at least agree to respect each other within the community we all aspire to do well in. It could be that you can air your differences, solve the issue and remain outstanding colleagues. But, if it doesn't work that way…then you have lost nothing but the time it took to be clear on it. Remember…we are difficult in their life as well..more than likely and no one person is always the only one wrong.

The answer to the question is "No"…you don't have to be nice all the time, but, you have to constantly motivate the personal changes necessary to prepare for the future you want …all the time.